For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
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My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Born to be mild.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume