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There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Employees must applaud the planets.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.