Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
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My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.