The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
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So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
selfie game
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away