It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
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They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”