Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
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A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste