Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
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origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most