You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
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I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark