Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
You Might Also Like
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
How to find Kentucky on a map
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.