I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
You Might Also Like
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.