Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
You Might Also Like
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
My love language is hissing.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Cause of death: Zumba
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors