Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
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I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.