New comic up. “Ransom”
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The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.