PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
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Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Interior design 👌
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way