termite twitter scares me
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My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.