Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
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Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.