therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
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I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.