Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
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[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”