maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
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“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.