Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
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HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained