My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
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ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not