Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
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Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
[eats all your cotton candy]
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not