Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
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ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days