Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
You Might Also Like
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Cat.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.