Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
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if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
nothing saves money like being antisocial
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Oh yeah that’s it
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.