[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
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customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Ah yes. The three genders
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday