Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
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*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Feels
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Worst perfume name ever.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah