For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
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Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove