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Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.