Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
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Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
They grow up so quick
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.