*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
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My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.