My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
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Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab