I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
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My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay