I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
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Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Donkey Kong sommelier
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.