Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
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Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.