AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
You Might Also Like
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water