I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
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living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Are we there yet?…
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.