Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
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I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.