My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
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“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Festive toon…
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”