[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
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8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband