Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
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you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.