I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
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Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
I need better friends
I am having an out of money experience.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Love is in the air fryer.