Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
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The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
*puts cutlery down*
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.