If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
You Might Also Like
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality