He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
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Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
termite twitter scares me
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂