Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
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so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!