I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
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This line from Airplane.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.