[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
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I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
A dad and his duck
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
At least try to make it slightly believable
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said