Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
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Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
guys I’m going home
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.