“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
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When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Xylophonist Shredding It
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.